If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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