i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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