Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
