Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
