Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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