why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
