oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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