You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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