No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
