the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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