I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
