No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
