Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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