You're my little dorito
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
