dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
