He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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