I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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