I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
