you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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