Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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