You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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