i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize