Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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