I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
