you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
