I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
