Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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