my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
