My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
