Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
