I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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