Someone shit on the floor
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
