she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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