soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
