Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
