My first STD was from a foam party
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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