Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
