Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
