I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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