Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
