My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
