I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So squirting runs in the family.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
