I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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