She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
