New low: just hacked my moms facebook
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
