i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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