Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
