She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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