I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize