Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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