Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
worst night to have a conscience
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize