I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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