I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
