Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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