dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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