I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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