everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize