You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
