I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
