He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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